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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most | 
 enlarge | Authors: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
Publisher: Penguin (Non-Classics)
Category: Book
List Price: $15.00
Buy New: $7.48
You Save: $7.52 (50%)
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Rating:  131 reviews
Sales Rank: 494
Media: Paperback
Edition: 1
Pages: 250
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.3
Dimensions (in): 7.7 x 5.1 x 0.6
ISBN: 014028852X
Dewey Decimal Number: 158.2
EAN: 9780140288520
ASIN: 014028852X
Publication Date: April 2000
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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| Editorial Reviews:
Amazon.com
We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlying personal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are, admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guarantee positive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when such unavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman
Book Description
Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.
Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn:
how to start the conversation without defensiveness
why what is not said is as important as what is
ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times
"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist
"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters
"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman
Download Description
"What is a difficult conversation? Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Saying ""no"" to your boss or spouse. Confronting disrespectful behavior. Apologizing. Conversations we dread, and often handle clumsily as a result, are part of all our lives: in boardrooms and family rooms, across the negotiation table and the dinner table. Now, Difficult Conversations teaches us how to handle these dialogues with more success and less anxiety. How does it work? Based on fifteen years of research and consultations with thousands of people, Difficult Conversations pinpoints what works. The authors discovered that regardless of context, the same small but crucial errors are what trip us up--and a few key adjustments can make all the difference. * The role of emotions--ours and theirs * The impact of what is said and what is not said * Why admitting our mistakes will put us in a stronger position * The truth behind the myth that women are better at expressing their emotions than men * How to respond productively in the face of personal attacks Who is this for? Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations is certain to be an instant and lasting classic for families, neighbors, bosses, employees, customers, tenants, landlords, psychologists, teachers, and more. Who are the authors? Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and at the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have consulted to countless businesspeople, governments, organizations, and communities including all parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa; school teachers in Medellin, Colombia; and community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They lecture throughout the world and have written on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication. Bruce Patton is co-author of Getting to Yes."
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| Customer Reviews: Read 126 more reviews...
 conversations September 2, 2008
J. Palanca
It is intense with good information, should be read slowly in order to incorporate suggested language into daily routine.
Looking forward to great results! August 6, 2008
Melody O'Brien (Rhinebeck, NY)
This book helped me to recognize where some of my previous conversations have gone wrong and should help me gain the foresight I need to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Also a book that have a great chapter about this topic is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
 Great Book July 30, 2008
Robert S. Libberton
This book is a wonderful tool to assist you in crafting a good response to a difficult conversation or work on training your management team to converse well. The contribution ideas are priceless, its a bargain for the price and a must have in any executive's library.
Excellent tips for dealing with the most difficult conversations July 17, 2008
Bas Vodde (Singapore)
Difficult conversations is a book from the Harvard Negotiation Project (of which "Getting to Yes" is probably best known) and is about the conversations we need to have, but we are afraid of them or they always blow up in our face. How to handle such conversations.
The book essentially consists of two parts (plus an intro, plus an end). The first part of about the problem and the different conversations happening when involved in a difficult conversation. The second part is concrete about, what to do.
The first part describes three ongoing conversations:
- The "What Happened conversation"
- The "Feelings conversation"
- The "Identity conversation"
The "what happened" conversation is about ... what happened. Trying to understand what happened. Not necessary finding "the truth" since with multiple people involved, there will be multiple viewpoints. It's important to accept that and just learn perspectives.
The "feelings" conversation relates to the feelings underlying the conversations. Many conversations are not really about the things, more about the feelings underlying the discussion. These feelings are often not discussed, so it's very hard to talk about them. Some insights here, for me, related to the intentions and how other people assume bad intentions and especially how you yourself can talk everything ok by thinking that the intentions were good.
The "identity" conversations is the deepest one. We think we are a certain way and thats why we need to act a certain way. This has a strong influence in every conversation.
After the first part and diving quite deep in the three different conversations, the authors move on and look at the how to deal with it. It starts with a chapter on finding out the true purpose of the conversation and if you really need to have it. From there it looks at how to begin a conversation. Begin it from the third person so that you can look at both persons perspectives. After this it moves into listening and discusses active listening techniques. A key point here is to be sincere about your wanting to listen, though difficult to change. How to express yourself is the topic of the next chapter and it ends with a discussion on together solving the problem. This is where the influence of the Harvard Negotiation Project becomes very visible.
The last chapter is a funny and very smart put together dialog which puts all the ideas together. I really enjoyed reading this.
The books is very well written, clear and especially concrete. The authors use many example conversations and analyze them, and explain their concepts using these concrete conversations. This made the book really useful and applicable to real life.
If you are ever in difficult conversations (everyone), I'd recommend to have a look at this book. It's been very useful to me.
Dragged a little, but overall good content! May 21, 2008
K. Taylor (Minonk, Illinois United States)
I think the book would have probably suited me a little better because the CD seemed to drag a little here and there, but overall the content was great!
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